How many times have you said “sorry” this week… for literally nothing? For speaking up. For taking up space. For just being? Be honest!
It’s fascinating how automatic it’s become, adding sorry to every sentence. But what if I told you this habit might be holding you back more than you think? What if I told you this habit might have a hidden meaning? And what if I told you this habit influences how you’re perceived by others and by yourself?
Today, we will dive further into the world of this little word “sorry”. So, let’s begin!
The “Sorry Syndrome”: What’s Actually Going On?
“Will they leave if I don’t?”
A lot of us don’t just over-apologise out of habit — we do it because we’re scared. Scared that if we don’t make ourselves small enough, easy enough, forgivable enough, people will leave. This is what’s called the fear of abandonment.
“Say sorry before they get mad.”
“Just apologise and keep the peace.”
Sounds familiar?
Over-apologising isn’t just about being polite – this fear often comes from past experiences where love felt conditional. Situations in which you had to earn your place by being agreeable or apologising first, just to stay “safe.” You spill your juice, you say sorry. You ask a question in class, you say sorry. Over time, “sorry” becomes a default setting — a way to avoid tension and confrontation.
But, listen closely:
You don’t have to apologise your way into being loved.
Real friends, healthy partners, emotionally aware people?
They don’t want you constantly saying sorry.
They want you real. They want you whole. They want you you.
“Hey, you don’t need to say sorry for that.”
“You’re allowed to have an opinion.”
“I love how direct you are.”
“You don’t have to make yourself smaller for me.”
That’s what a real, healthy connection sounds like!
Besides the fear of abandonment, what else could cause over-apologising?
Well, on the one hand, there’s a cultural component. In some societies, constant apologising is seen as polite and respectful, whereas others perceive it as a weakness. So, depending on your background, apologising a lot could just be something you grew up with, something that’s natural to you.
On the other hand, confidence plays a significant role. Being uncertain about what you want to say or believe makes saying sorry feel safer than confrontation. In this situation over-apologising arises from a lack of self-esteem – and it shows.
Yes, apologising influences the way people perceive you (how very unexpected) – and most often, not in a good way.
It can make you seem unsure, submissive, or even like you’re in the wrong when you’re not. People who apologise excessively are often perceived as less competent – even if that’s not true. That means it could even impact things like promotions, leadership opportunities, or just being taken seriously in convos.
And let’s be honest: that’s not the vibe we’re going for.
But, that’s not everything. Especially when talking about confidence and assertiveness, there’s an important aspect to consider: The more we say sorry, the more we feel like we should.
Think about it. I’m pretty sure we’ve all experienced it. A situation where we apologised and felt like we owned the other person something, when in reality, we’ve done nothing wrong.
It becomes a self-doubt spiral that’s hard to escape.
How to Break the Habit (Without Turning Into a Jerk)
With all the talk about fears and deficits, the question of how to stop over-apologising (without turning into an arrogant monster) arises. So, let’s not waste any more time and look into that!
1. Positive Affirmations
The first step on your list: positive affirmations. But, aren’t affirmations just some things you tell yourself? How are these supposed to help you stop over-apologising? Well, as mentioned before, this problem can arise from low self-esteem or negative past experiences. Both of these have one thing in common: reinforced negative thought patterns!
“My opinion doesn’t matter that much…”
“I’d rather avoid conflict to keep peace…”
“I should apologise before they get mad…”
So, to stop over-apologising we need to start with breaking these negative beliefs! Start telling yourself:
“My voice matters.”
“I don’t need to apologise for existing.”
“I’m allowed to take up space.”
…and rewire your brain to feel worthy — no sorry required!
2. Mindful Communication
Now let’s move forward into an actual conversation. Practice being mindful, be in the moment when you talk. You should talk with intention and think about why you’re about to say sorry — is it really necessary, or just a habit?
Besides helping you to stop over-apologising, being mindful and intentional with what you say will reinforce a positive image of you as you appear more confident – to both others and yourself. If you know what you’re saying, if you know when to say sorry and when not to, you‘ll develop confidence. But, how?
Intention is reasoned – therefore it has a validating effect on what you’re saying. If you’re just yapping or talking nonesense you’re not even understanding yourself, it appears unnecessary and as if you’re wasting time. Now, please understand the following (and that’s very important!): the way you say something has nothing to do with the importance of what you’re saying! Just because something appears valid and relevant, that doesn’t mean it is – and even more importantly, the same applies vice versa.
So, don’t stop yourself from adding something important to the conversation by apologising after every sentence.
3. Set Boundaries
The more clear you are on what’s okay and what’s not, the less you’ll feel the need to apologise.
Being able to set boundaries is a strength. It means that you value yourself and your energy. If you dislike something, say it! Communicate! Don’t bend and obey, don’t be sorry if you feel hurt or disrespected, if you feel unheard or not taken seriously.
Boundaries are essential, not just for yourself to (once again) validate your behaviour, but for others as well. You’ll see, real friends will be thankful for you sharing your boundaries. Just as we’ve mentioned in the beginning, they don’t want you to make yourself small for them. Someone who truly values you wants to see you thriving, not watching the floor.
So, heads up! And remember, boundaries = respect — both for yourself and others.
If you want to learn more about setting boundaries, we have a whole posten that! Check it out here: Setting Boundaries
The “Sorry”-Swap: Use Power Moves Instead
Sometimes we’re just trying to be nice — and that’s great! You should always be nice to people who deserve it, but you don’t need to say “sorry” to do that. Here are some examples, and phrases you can use instead:
|
Instead of… |
Say this… |
|
“Sorry I’m late” |
“Thanks for waiting!” |
|
“Sorry to bother you” |
“Do you have a minute?” |
|
“Sorry for interrupting” |
“I’d love to add something here.” |
|
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that” |
“Could you repeat that?” |
|
“Sorry if I offended you” |
“Thanks for sharing how you feel — I’ll keep that in mind.” |
See the difference? You’re still being polite, but now you’re doing it from a place of confidence, not apology.
Here’s your reminder: you don’t owe the world an apology for simply being. Of course, say sorry when it’s truly needed — like if you hurt someone. But let’s stop making “sorry” our standard answer for showing up.
Don‘t worry if it doesn’t work right away. Go slowly, go in your own pace, and only do what you’re comfortable with.
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to speak up. You are allowed to feel – hurt, happy, angry, sad. You’re allowed to be confident and kind. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to have your own opinion, an opinion that’s different from others. You are allowed to stand your ground. You are allowed to talk a lot or to not talk at all. You are allowed to make mistakes sometimes and you are allowed to learn.
You are allowed to be human!
So next time you feel a “sorry” coming up for no reason, pause… and choose something stronger.