Self-Love. Arising from within and forming one’s greatest source of strength. Some might even ask themselves whether they’ll ever be able to love themselves. But, what really is self-love? And how does one develop it?
In the end, self-love is nothing more than the name itself suggests: It is about loving yourself. Truly think about that. Feeling love towards yourself, the person you are, being in love with yourself.
I perceive the love in discussion as nothing different than the love between a couple or family members. To develop self-love, you need to fall for yourself. You need to look at yourself, look into the mirror, and feel complete. Love all parts about yourself, the positive, and the subjectively negative ones.
To start treating yourself lovingly, we’ll have a look at the five love languages today. Finding one you resonate with or want to receive can provide a lot of insight on how to be affectionate towards yourself.
You can be fond of multiple, even all love languages, you might enjoy executing one of them but dislike receiving love in this form, or vice versa – there are no wrong answers when it comes to love. On that note, I want you to remember, that everyone can define love differently.
What makes you fall in love? At what point do you truly feel love? What kind of things, gestures, and thoughts arise from love?
These are very personal and subjective questions. You don’t have to have an answer to all of them, many will reveal themselves during your journey. So don’t be afraid and let us start!
The Five Love Languages
• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Giving and Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch
1. Words of Affirmation
Characteristics
Someone with the love language ‘Words of Affirmation’ values verbal encouragement, just as the name implies. These individuals feel loved if their work and efforts are appreciated. Positive reinforcements can also be a way to show this kind of love.
In relation to others, people with this love language are likely to give compliments or positive feedback, even about details you might not notice. They express gratitude and don’t shy away from uplifting speeches or words, they are probably good at listening and giving advice.
Language is our primary source of communication and it holds a lot of power. Many people are afraid to openly express their feelings through words or have trouble accepting heartfelt compliments. That’s why individuals with the love language ‘Words of Affirmation’ can seem bold to others.
In Daily Life
In daily life, ‘Words of Affirmation’ can be delivered through speech, for example by saying “I’m proud of you”, or “I feel safe around you”, or by leaving heartfelt notes around.
Application to Self
If you would want to receive this type of love and think you might be someone that shows love through ‘Words of Affirmation’, here is how to apply that love language to yourself:
Journaling: Use a journal to write down positive affirmations, characteristics or traits about yourself, things you like and value about yourself – compliment yourself.
Speaking: Speak kindly with yourself. Be honest but gentle, be uplifting and encouraging, just as with someone else. For example, if something didn’t go as planned, instead of being mad at yourself, say “This didn’t work out but that is not my fault. I won’t give up and I’m proud of myself for that.”
Praise: Celebrate and praise yourself. Say things such as “I did a great job”, “I like my ideas”, “I am really good at that” or even “I am perfect”. These phrases are more and more looked down on nowadays. The misperception regarding them, lies in many people taking them personally. If I say “in my eyes I’m perfect”, that say nothing about the way I perceive you – regardless of the fact that my opinion about a stranger should be of complete irrelevance to them. There is a crucial difference between saying “I am perfect” or “I am better than you”, and only the second one is a truly wrong thing to think. So don’t be ashamed or afraid to praise yourself!
2. Acts of Service
Characteristics
Individuals with the love language ‘Acts of Services’ show their love by helping out. They act thoughtfully without one asking, with the intention to lighten one’s burdens. These are often the kind of individuals which have a rather hard time in expressing their emotions through words.
In relation to others, people with the love language ‘Acts of Services’, as the name suggests, show that they care about you through doing tasks. They often offer practical help and support you wherever they can … or cannot.
These individuals will often do whatever it takes to help you. They see you’re stressed and decide to offer help even though they have enough to do themselves. If you are important to them, your tasks are their tasks as well. This is these individuals way of showing they care for your well-being – relaxation, happiness, mental and physical health.
In Daily Life
In everyday life, they could for example prepare meals when they see you have a busy schedule. They could also go around running errands you didn’t have time to, or simply accompany you. Solving everyday issues could be another task they could offer their help with.
Application to Self
If you’d value the above and feel like ‘Acts of Service’s’ might be a love language you have, or want to offer yourself, then follow these ways on how to apply it to yourself:
Organizing: Cleaning your space offers structure. This will help you when attending future challenges as it helps to focus on a given problem and analyse it throughly – it puts your mind at ease.
Meal-Prep: Prepare healthy meals for yourself to ensure you eat well when tackling everyday life. This is important for your health and is essential when trying to finish duties efficiently. Also, prepping meals will give you some more time to work on your tasks without stress.
Mental Health: Create routines to support your mental health. These can be directed towards something you struggle with (you can also always reach out for help!), or could focus on building traits such as resilience. This, again, will ensure you have the strength to stay calm and focused in stressful situations and is a great way to be of service to yourself when dealing with difficulties.
3. Receiving Gifts
Characteristics
Individuals with the love language ‘Receiving and Giving Gifts’ show their feelings through symbolic gestures. Whether it’s something handmade or something you’ve wanted to get for a long time, presents from these individuals are always thoughtful and their expression of care.
In relation to others this love language type obviously includes gifting. The items are meaningful and represent that the person was thinking of you. They are trying to bring you joy by gifts.
Now, the reasoning for these presents being so well thought through lies in the second part of this type. They are good listeners and have the ability to remember special occasions. You mentioned you liked a specific type of flower one single time? They remember it. You told them you’d have your drivers licence test three months prior? They’ve prepared a little celebration gift for you.
It is their way of showing they thought of and wanted to be with or see you.
That is the kind of person they are.
In Daily Life
In everyday life this love language type is easy to identify. They might buy you small surprises, such as your favorite food or drink, flowers as mentioned before, some jewellery, acrylics, or anything else you like.
Besides buying something, these individuals also gift handmade items when feeling like something store-bought can’t truly resemble their affection.
Application to Self
If you resonate with ‘Receiving and Giving Gifts’ and want to offer this love to yourself, here is how to do that:
Treatment: Treat yourself. This does not necessarily have to be physical. Treat yourself some resting time to do what you enjoy, treat yourself some chocolate because it’s your favorite – treat yourself to something you love.
Gifts: Not very unexpected, but yes, buy gifts for yourself. Whether you book a whole spa day for yourself, or buy a pretty bouquet of flowers, both are equally valuable as long as they represent something you want. If your gift is something you use or see frequently, it will also show you the love you offered yourself for as long as you have it.
Treasures: Self-Care can be a great gift. Self-Care is very effective when showing yourself love as it’s a way to treasure and nurture your body. Gifting yourself a self-care box, or rather creating one you can fill with your favorite items has multiple positive effects: One, it is a useful gift. Two, you can see and use ist everyday, and you can even see results which remind you of your gift after some time. And three, it is nurturing and good for your health.
4. Quality Time
Characteristics
The love language ‘Quality Time’ is all about attention. The misinterpretation of this love language can often arise from people thinking it’s about solely spending time together, but that is not completely true and can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Individuals with this love language will give you their undivided attention and expect the same to feel loved. Nowadays, many will just hang on their phone when spending time together, which is not (for everyone) representing ‘quality’ time.
In relation to others, these individuals will try to share experiences with their loved ones. They only feel true joy once they can share that joy with someone they love. Otherwise they might feel as if something is missing.
Individuals with the love language ‘Quality Time’ value deep connections and are therefore drawn towards intentional conversations. This does not mean that they only want to engage in deep talks, they enjoy learning more about the other person, their interests, and more things they could do together.
This is their way of saying that they value your time and are thankful you decided to spend it with them.
In Daily Life
In everyday life, you can experience quality time at any given moment. Whether you run errands, try a new activity, travel, or chill at home, there are truly no boundaries.
You might enjoy going for a walk and talking, you might check out new restaurants, cafes or lost places, you might build a new shelf together, everything can work, as long as you’re together.
Application to Self
Does ‘Quality Time’ sound good to you? Do you think that’s the way you want to treat yourself? Then here are some ideas on how to do that:
Dates: Taking yourself on a date might feel weird at first, but it can be a great way to get to know yourself and build confidence from within. A date does not have to be in a restaurant or cinema (it can be if you want to), you could do whatever you want. In the end, learning to engage in activities you want to try, without relying on others to accompany you, will provide you with a sense of freedom.
Solitude: Well, solitude sounds kind of contradictory to ‘Quality Time’ at first, but who said you couldn’t have quality time with yourself? Just as the above, this is about being with yourself, or rather, getting to know yourself. Show yourself the same curiosity you have for others. Practice mindfulness or meditation to find your inner strength.
Hobbies: Engage in hobbies without any distractions. Hobbies are a great source of focus and confidence. You’ll spend your time working on yourself, improving, when committing to a hobby. This will end up as something that you can be proud of and love yourself for.
5. Physical Touch
Characteristics
The last love language type is ‘Physical Touch’, a nonverbal way of showing affection. ‘Physical Touch’ involves, shockingly, physical closeness. There are a variety of comforting gestures people with this love language type use and value to show their affection.
One of these gestures is holding hands. I must admit, I’m not completely sure on why this is perceived as intimate – though it isn’t for everyone. I would assume it is something psychological. One reason might be the importance hands play in our lives. The other one could be that this is actually trained by labeling holding hands as something couples or lovers do, which could also be a reason why some people are more effected than others.
Another gesture is placing your hand on someone’s shoulders or back. This creates a bond, a connection between the two people and can therefore signal closeness. I personally, am very sensitive about my back. The back is a region most of us can’t fully reach or see – it is kind of our weak spot. This could possibly be a reason why touching someone on the back signals a deep bond.
And the last example, hugs. We all love a good hug, we also all know someone that gives very good hugs. The kind of hug that instantly make you feel better. Hugging a loved one can create a feeling of safety. It is way more intimate than a simple touch. Also, when hugging someone you love, your body produces hormones which have positive effects on your health and mood. (eg oxytocin: strengthens bonds, improves sleep, etc)
In Daily Life
In daily life, ‘Physical Touch’ can show through hugs, as mentioned, physical reassurance, or massages, to name some examples.
Application to Self
If you think ‘Physical Touch’ is the love language you have, or the one you want to treat yourself with, then here are some ways on how to start that:
Self-Care: Skin- and bodycare routines can be a great way to offer yourself comforting physical closeness. Try massaging your face or body, try acupressure or acupuncture for something more extravagant.
Sports: Fitting Sports would be Yoga, Stretching, or maybe even dancing. Yoga and stretching nurture your body, your physique and let you get in touch with it. Dancing can help you to feel good and attractive in yourself.
Blankets: Wrap yourself in a big cozy blanket. We all know those cold days where we just cuddle up in a blanket and feel like we’re receiving a big warm hug. You might also enjoy weighted blankets. Another addition could be a stuffed animal or a very cozy cushion for sleeping.
Self-Love is fundamental to happiness, fulfilment, and self-improvement. Developing self-love is nothing you can accomplish in a day. Give yourself time, be gentle and understanding in accepting every part of yourself.
Just as negative perceptions reinforce and build over time, breaking them down will take up equal efforts. Starting with these small gestures can be a great start to your process.
Give yourself a compliment, a healthy meal, a gift, a good time, or a big hug – reconnect with your source of living, yourself.