Let’s start this post a bit differently. I want to take you on a little journey. Read along and imagine the following situation:
You are in a place in your life where you’re feeling happy and confident with how everything is going. You are single, and right now, this circumstance gives you the necessary freedom to feel empowered. You feel like you’re on the right track.
Now you meet someone. You are at a café, and they come up to you, something very rare nowadays. They are very good-looking, and start talking to you, complimenting you, and eventually, they ask you out on a date.
Even though you feel good on your own, you go along – maybe that’s the right way to go, maybe it’s not. Trying is the only way to find out in the end.
You and this other person meet, and you get along very well. You quickly come to realize they seem perfect in every important aspect. Spending time with this person feels easy and natural.
After some time, your friends start to ask where you plan on heading with this connection. They ask what you feel and whether you want to start a relationship with the person you met. You are unsure what to answer and start to think about it:
It does seem like a fairy tale. Your person is friendly, polite, funny, very good-looking, reliable, intelligent — basically anything good one could think of. But that ends up being the exact reason you realize: as there is nothing wrong with your person, yet you’re unsure what you want from them, you most likely don’t want or aren’t ready for a relationship at the moment.
You decide to give it some time to be completely sure, but fate decides otherwise. Your person rather unexpectedly asks you what exactly that is in between the two of you. They ask whether you want to make it official.
Two thoughts immediately strike up in your head:
One, you don’t want to say yes — you’re unsure about your feelings and you aren’t ready to give up your current freedom — and two, you don’t want to say no — even if a relationship doesn’t feel right, you like this person a lot, having spent great time together recently, so you don’t want to hurt or lose them. Being overwhelmed, you say (can you guess?)…
“Yes.”
As a reader, it’s very easy to say that the obviously right answer would have been: “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what I feel. Please give me more time to sort myself.” Well, I want you to reread the whole situation and really envision this other person and the whole scenario. Envision them, someone you really like, being heartbroken and reconsider how difficult it can be to say no in this situation.
Now, let’s rewind to what kind of situation you’re in right now:
You, my friend, are in a relationship. You don’t want to be in a relationship. The other person being part of this relationship, well, they think you want to be in a relationship just like they want it. They are happy you feel the same way they do, oh, and they told their friends about you.
Your fear of hurting someone through saying no created a situation in which telling the truth about how you feel became a way more hurting reality to the other one involved than it would have been in the first place.
But it doesn’t stop here. While you try to find the right moment to clear up that mess, you get even more tangled up:
“The” right moment doesn’t exist, especially in this situation. So, you start to think: “I wasn’t sure in the first place; maybe that IS what I want.” The more time passes, the more you start to lose track of what you truly want and what you don’t — you start to lose yourself, being enticed by the easy escape.
As I know what kind of reality we live in, I want to make something very clear: this other person we’re talking about is, in fact, a good, a very good human being. The adjectives used to describe them were true. This is not a story about abuse, mentally or physically; neither are they trying to possess, manipulate, or hurt you in any other way.
The person this story refers to is actually kind-hearted, loving, caring, thoughtful, and good; they genuinely like you. Even your best friend approved of them. Nonetheless, you don’t want to be in a relationship with them.
Guess what: that is okay!
They don’t have to be a bad person for you not wanting to be with them. They don’t have to make mistakes or be disliked by your friends — stop trying to justify your feelings.
It is okay to say no.
This is not selfish, this is not mean, this is not wrong.
You do not need a reason.
The only thing important is what you feel. That is the only reason you need. It is okay to not want something even though there is nothing wrong with it; if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. Trust yourself and realize that saying no, setting boundaries, and deciding against something is alright. Saying no does not make you a bad person.
You might think that this is a drastic example, a bit of an exaggeration. There is a reason I chose that specific scenario today. I want you to understand the actual danger lying behind not saying no. Feel free to continue this little imaginative experience, and remember, you’re in a relationship now – where do you end up?
We’ve all experienced situations in which we said yes even though we didn’t want to do something (and I’m not talking about helping out at home). Many of us probably attended events or gatherings they didn’t want to or helped someone when struggling with their own projects.
All of these situations seem harmless and here lies the danger – they’re not. They all affect one’s health very negatively while at the same time building a habit. If you condition yourself to saying yes in these seemingly harmless situations, you’ll lose yourself just as well. Saying yes in a situation like the one in our story won’t be too far from reality then, trust me. How?
Because saying yes becomes normal; it becomes what you know; it becomes a way to avoid conflict and prove your worth to others.
I want you to realize: you are not alone. I know many people struggling with setting boundaries. Let me say this much: the story you just envisioned, well, it’s not a fictional one. This is not a minority problem.
Remember when I said this problem affects your overall health? Would you like a little list?
This list does not only apply to situations as extreme as the one I presented to you. Problems will occur if you start to develop a constant habit of saying yes against your own will, whether it’s about someone asking you to go out, someone turning on music you don’t like, or someone not meeting your values.
To be honest with you, when I asked whether you wanted “a little list,” I was asking about something I can’t give you. Because with always saying yes, the list won’t be “little.” And, very importantly, our mind always influences our body, meaning: problems occurring from not setting boundaries do not limit themselves to mental health issues.
A quick search provided me with this wonderful result:
Potential Problems Related to Not Setting Boundaries:
Mental Health Problems:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Burnout
- Resentment towards others
- Emotional exhaustion
- Low self-esteem
- Chronic stress
- Guilt and shame
- Difficulty concentrating
Physical Health Problems:
- Sleep disorders (insomnia or poor sleep quality)
- Chronic fatigue
- Headaches and migraines
- High blood pressure
- Weakened immune system
- Digestive issues (e.g., stomach pain, ulcers)
- Muscle tension or chronic pain
Other Health Problems:
- Relationship strain or conflict
- Decreased productivity or job performance
- Substance abuse (coping with stress)
- Loss of personal identity
Please be caring towards yourself. If you struggle with setting boundaries and feel like you can’t handle it anymore, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. This is nothing to be ashamed of; you are not weak.
Hopefully, you’ve realized the importance of working out and standing behind your limits. Here are five practices you can use to improve setting boundaries and incorporating them into your life:
- Recognize Your Limits: To start setting boundaries, you need to be aware of your limits. Decide for yourself what makes you uncomfortable or leaves you feeling overwhelmed. This is a personal journey with no wrong answers. Be honest with yourself and define what you are willing to tolerate and what not.
- Communicate Clearly: It’s important to be assertive and direct; this prevents misunderstanding—no one is able to be aware of your boundaries without communication. At the same time, keep in mind to always stay respectful. We’ve discussed this aspect further in “First Word – An Anecdote to Honesty.”
- Practice Self-Awareness: Reflect on your emotions and ensure that you’re setting boundaries based on your own feelings and needs, not out of guilt or fear. We easily trap ourselves into a way of thinking which avoids confrontation.
- Start Small: Begin by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations to build confidence. As I’ve said before, seemingly unimportant situations still lead to forming habits. Use that to establish your self-respect.
- Stay Consistent: Reinforce your boundaries; even if it feels difficult at first, it will feel natural over time. This way, you’ll build up the necessary confidence to stand up to them in difficult situations.
You’ll see, living by your personal boundaries will create a lifestyle in which you’ll feel like you’re free to live to your own extent. This will naturally lead to you learning about the value and importance of limitations and saying no. Just as well, you’ll meet the people who validate the way you protect yourself through boundaries.