Let’s Talk About Apologising (Yes, the Hard Stuff)
You know that pit in your stomach when you know you’ve messed up? Whether it’s snapping at your partner, ghosting a friend’s message for two weeks, or messing something up at work — it happens. We’re human. But here’s the deal: knowing how to apologise (and actually doing it) is a game-changer in relationships, personal growth, and honestly, just being a decent human overall.
I mean, let’s be real — apologising can be awkward. Like, “do-I-text-or-call-or-just-evaporate” kind of awkward. But learning how to genuinely apologise isn’t just about cleaning up after a mess. It’s about growth, responsibility, connection, reliability, honesty, and reflection – it’s about being someone others can actually trust.
So, today, let’s look into the art of saying sorry.
Why Apologising Matters More Than You Think
Apologising isn’t just about saying “sorry” and moving on. It’s not just about being polite or ticking a box. It’s about owning your sh*t. Reflect, acknowledge, understand – that moment of “hey, I messed up and I care enough to make it right”? Yeah, that one hits differently.
By apologising you create a space for dialogue and emotions, you show you care, and you make the other person feel seen.
Let’s break this down. A good and sincere apology has the ability to:
- De-escalate: Prevent drama. It might be funny to watch, but realistically, no one needs a real life film-drama unfold right in front of them. Apologise and communicate – hearing the other persons perspective might change your view, a misunderstanding might be cleared; who knows what’s to happen.
- Strong connections: Build stronger, more respectful connections. As mentioned, apologising shows, that you want to make an effort to work through a conflict. It shows that you are willing to understand the others emotions – and that is very valuable.
- Healing: Apologies help you (and them) move on emotionally. Closure is healing, that’s just a fact. An open conflict will stay present in your mind and bother you (except you are a something like a psychopath at least). An apology can help you to move on into a brighter future, creating new memories with the person you apologised to – rather than living in the past, thinking of your conflict or mistake.
- Maturity: Being able to acknowledge and admit a mistake shows that you’re emotionally mature and self-aware. You need to reflect and evaluate your actions to understand when you’ve done something wrong. Besides, admitting a mistake shows that you’ve matured from the ‘I-Need-to-be-Right‘-ego-trip. You know who you are and understand, that mistakes don’t define you – they‘re a natural aspect of human life.
Even in professional settings, apologies are a strong tool. Just think of a manager who admits a mistake. It sets the tone for honesty, growth, and mutual respect. Why? Instead of showing ‘I‘m the manager, I don’t make mistakes because I’m better’ it signals ‘I‘m human, just as you are, so let’s work on this together’- and that’s very powerful.
What Makes an Apology Actually Genuine?
A real apology has layers – understood? It’s not just about saying “I‘m sorry“ – for what? What did you do wrong? What will you do differently? Depending on the situation, these two words are far from convincing.
So, let’s break it down. What makes an apology land? It’s not rocket science, but here’s a formula that helps:
1. Own It – Admit What You Did
Say something like “I shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone” instead of “Sorry if I hurt you.” Be clear about what you did. By doing that you’re showing that you’ve actually put in the effort to reflect on and acknowledge your mistake. The other person will see, that you’re actually (at least trying) to understand their feelings – this is crucial for a sincere apology and strong relationships.
2. Mean It – Show Real Regret
Say “I’m sorry” like you mean it. Not robotic, not dramatic—just real. People can feel sincerity a mile away. Many people start to be performative to really deliver their message – why would you? We are talking about sincerity and honesty, why communicate such a message in an unauthentic, acted way? Doesn’t make sense, right? Just be truthful and natural.
3. No Buts – Take Responsibility
Avoid the classic “I’m sorry, but…” That little word erases everything you just said. No excuses. No finger-pointing. Just own it. People respect accountability. Why’s that important? Ever been yelled at because you did something wrong? Tell me for how long you actually listened. If someone’s treating you with respect, even if they did something wrong, you’re more willing to listen to what they have to say. The same applies here. So, if you also want to explain your side, that’s fine, just save it for later — first, apologise.
4. Show You’re Learning – Say How You’ll Do Better
Let them know how you’ll do better. ‘How’ is the most important part of that sentence. Don’t just say “I’ll change” – once again, be specific. Whether that’s “I’ll communicate more clearly next time” or “I’m working on my temper”— share the clear intention to grow. This again shows that you are aware of your mistake and are making an effort to work on it. Please keep in mind though, that just saying you’ll learn is not enough – we’ll get back to that aspect later in this post.
5. Body Language – Deliver It Right
Body language. Tone. Timing. These matter more than people think. Look them in the eye (if it’s in-person), keep your voice calm, and choose a setting where they feel safe. Apologies aren’t just what you say, but how you say it. We are influenced by environments, we subconsciously acknowledge small signals, that’s why it’s important to pay attention to them (or even use them to deliver your message).
How to Apologise Without Making It Weird (or Worse)
Now that we’ve talked about the content of a good apology, we need to discuss the setting. Yes, there is even more to look at when trying to apologise correctly. But, no need to worry, you don’t need a therapist degree to apologise like a decent human-being. You just need to slow down and be intentional. Apologising isn’t about groveling — it’s about connecting.
So, here’s the step-by-step:
Step 1: Pick the right moment
Not mid-fight. Not during a party. Don’t drop a heavy apology mid-chaos or while someone’s hangry. Find a quiet, private space where both of you are calm-ish and open to listen and talk. Again, environments influence – choose a chaotic one and you’ll find yourself in between flames and flying chairs.
Step 2: Think before you speak
Reflect before the convo. Ask yourself: What did I do? How might it have hurt them? Get into their shoes before opening your mouth and think about what you truly want to say. If you end up stuttering and saying the same thing five times on repeat, you will fail to deliver you‘re point. If you need to, write don’t the most important aspects you want to include – there’s nothing wrong with that.
But, importantly to note, don’t overthink. Be sure about your own words, thoughts, feelings, analysations, whatever, but don’t try to predict what the other one will say in the conversation – this will drive you insane.
Step 3: Go in with heart, not the ego
Apologising is not about being right or wrong, good or bad – it’s not about your f*ing ego. “I’m sorry for raising my voice yesterday. That wasn’t okay, and I can imagine it felt really disrespectful.” That’s honest and specific. Avoid half-hearted stuff. When apologising right, the other person does not have to ask ten questions to find out whether you’ve actually understood the situation.
Step 4: Stay calm if they’re upset
People need space to feel hurt. Listen, acknowledge, and hold space for their reaction. If they’re upset, let them be. Take it in. Apologising is also about them feeling heard, not you explaining everything. I know this can be hard, and I don’t mean to tell you to just let someone disrespect you – you don’t ever need to do that. But, try to allow them to let out their emotions as well. Remember why you’ve decided to apologise in the first place.
Step 5: Invite a convo
After your apology, make room for their side. Once you’ve said your part, you can ask: “Do you want to tell me how that felt for you?” or “I want to understand how this affected you”.
These alone can shift everything! Communication is everything.
What Happens After the Apology: The Real Work
Apologising is just the first step. What really builds trust is what comes after the “sorry.” And you know what, this is where people often mess up: they say sorry, feel better, and… go right back to the same behavior. Nope. Not here on WithinProgress.
Here’s what to do after you’ve apologised:
Walk the talk!
Anyone can say sorry. Mark that. Literally anyone. That’s why we’ve discussed all the whys and hows and wheres. But, essentially, only if you’re apology was truly sincere, only then you’ll be changing the behavior that caused the hurt. Only if you really care about the other persons feelings. Only if you really want to do better. So, the afterwork, that’s where you earn back trust.
Actions >>> Words
Reflect and grow
Ask yourself: Why did I act like that? What was going on inside me? Journaling, talking to someone you trust, or even therapy can help here. Growth starts with understanding yourself, that’s what we always say here (because it’s true!).
It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to react wrong, or say something you didn’t mean – it’s not favourable, but it’s okay.
Put in the effort to understand, to learn, to reflect and you’ll see, identifying the reason for you’re behaviour comes a long way in avoiding to make that mistake again. Eliminate the cause.
Let forgiveness breathe
Some people forgive fast. Some take time. Be patient. Be kind. Healing isn’t a race. Would you want to be pressured? No. Obviously not. Emotions do what they want, and some decide to stick with us for longer than the logical mind can explain. This is just the way some of us work, and you should accept that.
How does the saying go? Time heals all wounds.
Why Owning Your Sh*t Is the Ultimate Power Move
A real apology is never about humiliation. It’s about connection.
It’s you saying: “Hey, I see how I hurt you. That matters to me. I’m going to do better.”
And when done with honesty and care, that one moment can turn things around in the most beautiful way.
So don’t run from it. Lean in. Apologise well.
It’s one of the most human — and healing — things we can do!