A Short Story – Subjective Realities


———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Disclaimer: Sensitive Content

This text touches on sensitive topics, including depression, which may be distressing for some readers. Please proceed with care and consider your emotional well-being while reading.If you find yourself struggling, don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted people or professional services. In the U.S., you can contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, or find similar resources in your country.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————


Do you really want to improve?

Yes?

Are you doing the work to improve? Are you actually putting effort into it?


Take a moment to reflect on that, and then, let me invite you to a little story.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

‘For a long time I’ve been depressed. I am depressed. I am sad. That’s my reality and that’s me.
I forgot who I was before, perhaps that’s how I’ve always been.‘


I stand up as I want to grab my glasses from the desk across the room. I stop when I see myself in the mirror.

‘Sorrow eyes with deep sleeping bags, greasy hair, dry skin and lips; seems about right, this looks like a depressed person – I guess that must be me.‘


I crawl back into my bed and take out my phone, when a message pops up:

>> Hey! Are you free later? << 


‘Honestly, I don’t even know why she’s still texting me. I‘m hopeless. I never agree to meet with anyone, why bother still investing her energy in someone like me. I have nothing to offer, I‘m boring and socially awkward, i‘m a literal mood-killer. Everyone will be happy if I just stay home.‘ 

Yet, a little smile appeared on my lips when I read the message. 


‘If I ever decide to go, I should bring pain-killers for everyone that has to endure me.‘ 


I reply and switch to another app. 

>>No.<< 


Another message appears: 

>> Oh, I really hoped for you to come. What are you doing?<< 


‘What am I doing? Probably binge watching another series, alone, in my room. What’s she up to for real? She knows damn well I do nothing.‘ 

>>Not feeling well. Dw about it.<< 


A reply:

>>Ok.<< 


Well, final… 

>>I‘m coming over 🙂 << 

‘Oh hell no.‘ 


>>You‘re not.<< 

>>Don‘t.<< 

>>I‘m not joking.<< 

>>Hello?<< 

>>Hellooooo??<<


”I guess that’s it for my peaceful evening“, I said with a sigh. This hopeless romantic is my best friend. 


‘She deserves better than me, someone that is willing to put equal efforts to hers into the friendship.
Someone she can rely on in times she feels sad or lonely.
Someone she can go out and meet new people with.
She deserves someone her league.

Before I could continue the list of deficits i bring into this friendship, a list carefully built up and sculpted over the course of years, the doorbell rings.

‘Should I just not open up? I could pretend I’ve fallen asleep.‘

It rings again.

“As impatient as always.“, I great her.

“Of course, I can never be sure you haven’t ‘fallen asleep‘, you know?“, she replies.

Another smile briefly appeared on my grey face.


“Do you want to talk about it?“

‘Haha, as I said, impatient as always. She hasn’t even taken her shoes off, yet she doesn’t hesitate to ask the questions others wouldn’t dare to.‘


“There’s nothing to talk about.“, I reply. If I keep giving her nothing she’ll let go eventually.

“There clearly is.“, she says, still with her shoes on.


“If that’s what you came here for I fear you’re wasting your time.“, just a little bit more and she’ll go away. A bit more and I’ll be free.


“Please, stop doing this. You’re isolating yourself, staying alone, pushing me away, and you won’t even tell me why, after years?“


‘There she goes again. It’s the same sound as always. A mix of anger, frustration, and pain.
She‘ll never understand. I‘m depressed and sad. I like being alone. I don’t need to consider anyone else’s thoughts or feelings. I don’t like the attention, I don’t need it. I don’t want it.
I don’t have it.
I can’t have it.
I will never have it.
I…‘


“So you’re giving me the silent treatment today?“, her voice brings me back. Just as I wanted to reply she continues.

“Listen, I can’t keep seeing you like this. Not for my sake, but for your own.
You are important to me and I care for you.
I know how strong you are deep down, I’ve seen it for myself. If I could take you to the world that’s awaiting you I would, but unfortunately, you are the only one able to choose that path.
So please, at least give it a try.

I believe in you.


Shortly after her ted-talk she left. Now I’m sitting here, completely alone, once again. That hasn’t been the first time she said something along those lines, but, something seemed different this time.

I know all that, I know that I can’t stay like this forever, but… how do I start. After all that’s who I am. A weird depressed person with social anxiety.

Silence. Everything is silent, just as it always is.


‘I believe in you.’

I sit down in front of the mirror. Sorrow eyes with deep sleeping bags, greasy hair, dry skin and lips, nothing‘s changed.

‘Is that me?‘


Over the next few days I continued to think of that conversation. Unlike all the other times, she actually hasn’t texted me since. Maybe I’ve finally managed to make her realise that I am no match to her.

‘When I’m not depressed anymore, who will I be?

This question started to pop into my head more and more often.
I look into the mirror again. It truly is strange. I always knew what I was looking at, but now, the clear picture I’ve had seemed to shatter.

‘Who are you?’

I stare into the mirror for at least another five minutes not saying or thinking anything.

‘Gosh that was intense. Am I finally going insane? If that’s the case, I guess there truly is no hope left for me.

After finishing that thought I stopped for a second. I hear the heater cracking; I hear the oven warming up my frozen pizza; I hear a dull hissing noise; I hear my breath. It’s the same silence as always.
But that was the first time in a while that I thought to myself.

‘I hope there is still hope left.’

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

This was a little part of my story. Please note, that everyone’s story, everyone’s experience is different. If you struggle with depression, or anything else, don’t hesitate to reach out for help! There is nothing you need to be ashamed of!

I am sharing this story, my story, today with you, because there is something I want you to realise.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how much you learn, identify or know about yourself, if ultimately, you don’t take action, all of that knowledge is useless.

I am able to share this nowadays, because I’ve managed to overcome the state I felt trapped in during that time of my life.
In this period, as you might have realised, I was defining myself through the negative thoughts I had.
Phrases such as “I am sad.”, “I am depressed”, “I am boring and annoying”, and many more would form my reality daily; and after some time, you start to truly believe these things.

Everything became even more complicated when I first tried to work things out. I desperately tried to be happy and normal, thinking that being sad or feeling unwell always meant I was falling back into that state.
That was until I realised, that it is ok to be sad sometimes.

I know this sounds trivial, but if you’re struggling with something, and that can be of completely different nature from my thoughts, you start losing sense of what is normal, and what is influenced by the negative thought pattern you’ve build up over time.

I had to understand, that by using therms such as ‘I am…’ I would not only describe the feeling I experienced, but myself.

‘I am depressed’ would not only describe my present, but my past and my future as well. Yesterday, I set my tomorrow up for failure.

So, pay attention to your thoughts, realise that feelings are situational. When negative feelings occur, instead of reinforcing them and giving in, start caring for yourself.

If there is something about you that bothers you, if you think you have nothing to offer, learn something. Take action and change. You need to be proactive to create a life that makes you happy.

Reality is subjective. There are billions of realities and all of them are true.


You are an individual, capable of making your own choices and deciding over the course of your life.

Just as I wrote this post, you are the author of your life.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *